It's not you; It's me.



It's not you; It's me. It's not an excuse or an alibi. I could lie but I did not. I could trick you, stayed with you and let you believe we're still okay but I did not. I could have made it longer and kept the act, but I did not. I cared, and I still do. I loved and I still do, just not the way I used to.

I don't know when it started but I knew somehow it will come. You see, when I said yes to you, it meant a whole lot more to me. Not just giving up my freedom and sharing it with you, not just accepting the fact that I should be committed nor faithful. But the fact that I should adjust to a life I wasn't used to. Yes, you're a risk. And I took you. Because I hoped for us to be together longer, I hope for us to be different than the past 'together' I had. I wasn't going to hide the fact that I was scared, and the whole duration of us being together, I am still scared. It isn't about my expectations about you or your expectations about me. But my expectations about us. 

I was happy. I was contented. It was all there. You were one of the best thing that ever happened and came to me. To my life. And it made me more scared of the thing I know would eventually happen. I got scared for you. I wanted to fight, but I don't want you to endure the pain longer.

You were the longest. You were the most in almost everything. 

But it isn't you, because it's me.

I want you to know that I tried. I gave myself the time I don't usually do because I wanted us to work. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted for us to be different. And when I started feeling like the I wasn't feeling it anymore, I could have dropped the bomb immediately but I did not. I wanted to know if I can fight, if I can stay a bit longer and if I can bring it back like when we were just starting.

But I'm sorry, it did not.

I lost it. Yes, I did. I didn't want to, but it did.

Giving you up is one of the hardest decision I have ever made. I was selfish. I didn't want to regret it. I didn't want to blame myself after a while but I had to. I don't want you to waste your time picking up the broken pieces longer. I want you to go because I cared enough. I wanted to let you go while it's still not to hard let go. I slowly opened my hands to let you slip but you hold into me and that's what made it harder.

I made myself believe that we were not for each other, because I can't feel the same feeling anymore. And I still believe it now. Looking back, it became clearer that maybe, we were really just supposed to cross paths for a reason. Maybe, we are never really supposed to be on this side.

You taste like a morning dew and I taste like revolution. I was a coward for not letting you know the real reason and opening up after three years of what I did in this little space in my blog. Forgive me because I couldn't say it to you. I am afraid I'd ruin you. Just like what revolution doesn't usually see; the light in the morning.

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