Where Do I Go?


I joke about almost everything. As much as I want to look just positive and happy around others, I sometimes wish someone would ask me "What's wrong?" or they would make me feel like I can really talk to them. For the past years, I have been the perfect 'shock absorber' wherever I go. I listen, give my two cents, but I would still listen. I don't judge, I just listen. I was there at the lowest point of their lives, I was there when they thought they have too much on their plate, I was there, listening to every whining, every funny and sobs stories. I was there.

But when it comes to me, who would be?

Friends? I have a lot. Colleagues, sure they're there.

I have so many people I talk to everyday, I have a lot of people that I exchange pleasantries every time. But when it comes to me wanting to tell someone something bothering me, I cannot find a single person who would make me feel EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. I feel so lost in a sea of people I am friends with, in a bunch of people whom I thought I was already a part of their circle, a group of people whom I thought I can still be with even when I am in pain.

In the end, it was just me.

It was funny that even though I have been having this realizations for quite a while now, I kept telling myself that I was just overthinking it and that I should just stop and appreciate everything but last night triggered the pain.

My mother asked me why I really left my job last year. I was keeping my cool and told her that "I didn't like my workmates." and she said "You could have get over it." and that's when I lashed out a little by saying "Ganyan naman kayong mga parents, ang dali sa inyo sabihin to get over something sa mga anak n'yo not really knowing the real issue." and as much as I want to regret it when my mom just became silent, I felt like crying remembering everything,

I used to tell myself that I am really good at meeting new people or group of people. I am easy to talk to and I get to easily be inside their topic because I am good with anything to talk to. But that certain thing about me took it's toll whenever I feel alone and I can't think of anyone whom I think can spare me a little of their time to talk to me about my pain or someone that I think would take me seriously. Someone who saw my pain or knew that I also have my pain under my positive and happy outlook in life. Someone whom I can share my pain with, someone who would never judge me and tell me to "Get over it" as if I can just switch it on or off.

It's kinda tiring, so I just cry myself most of the time rather than bother them. It makes me feel better crying than thinking whom should I talk to. They tell you they're just there if you need someone- no, scratch that. No one tells me that. That's actually my line. And I mean it.

But maybe that's the thing. Maybe that's the problem. I make it easy for them that they thought it's always easy on me too. 

Maybe I should just really get over it.

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