Anger Is A Strong And A Dangerous Feeling.


I treat my characteristic as a person who gets easily attached as a weakness. Whenever I meet someone and our communication got severed, I always think if what were they doing at the moment, or do they still remember me? Things like that. Whenever I meet a random stranger in the crown when I am out and I happen to like to talk to him or her, I can almost hear myself asking for their contact so we can talk more. But it's embarrassing. And people aren't supposed to be connected with all the people they meet along the way. That would be impossible, and selfies, because the other person might not feel that way.

I have been all about being someone that my friends can depend on. I'm a good listener. I hate it whenever my friends are hurt. I always becomes affected too. I may not be the best of the friends they have and I don't try to be, but I want to give or share what I can.

When I got published, I was happy when I started to meet my readers one by one. I wasn't supposed to reveal myself or if ever, I want my identity not that well known. I can go to events and book signings but I wanted to go to just a few. But the inevitable happened and I enjoyed being with my readers as well as my co writers. I became their mother bee. I became someone they go to when they have questions they know I can answer, if they have something they need and I can help and if they want someone to accompany them and they know I can. It was fulfilling being a person that they depend on. No, I never wanted anyone to be clingy or dependent on me, but the feeling of being needed is really rewarding.

So you see, I cater to everybody. But not everybody is ready for the kind of personality I have.

I have been bashed and called names because of the things I did that some readers labeled as rude, with bad intentions and /or something to be turned off. I didn't saw that coming. Before I knew it, I was feeling numb and hot tears are falling down on my cheeks. I questioned my own self and doubted my own intentions. It was a bad time.

And then I learned from my boss that even some of the older writers hates me, or they hate what they know about me. My co writers never hesitated to remind me that they appreciate me because I was genuine and I was just misunderstood. So I just focused on the positive things rather than the depressing ones. My boss also told me that I have a strong personality that not all people will get, but he does, so I should just get over it.

For a while, I kept on telling myself that I shouldn't think of the negative things and focus on what's in front of me. I never denied or hate the fact that I curse. I never denied or hate the fact that I can be a little hyper and specially I have a resting bitch face that some readers told me they are kind of shy to come near me sometimes because they feel like I am in a bad mood because of my expression.

I kept on telling them that I am a fun person, I just don't look best when I am alone. I can't smile or laugh if I am alone because I would look crazy. Some people who used to hate and bashed me understood my ground but a lot are just throwing names and keeps on crucifying me. I became stronger that time. I explain as much as I could, but they can be really rude and every explanation I say is like an acid that they can turn into something bad. I muted them in my life because I was really hurting. Their too much unfounded anger towards me is seething. I mean, I really didn't know why they were so damn mad at me. I didn't even had the chance to meet most of them personally, nor talked to them online or what.

Maybe something is wrong with me?

I wanted to say I got over that moment but the truth is, I am still hurting. Knowing there's someone who hates you to the bones without you even knowing why they're angry at you in that intense manner is making me loose it. I became one of the popular topic in some group chats. Another thing they calls me is 'user' because I happened to be close to some of the most well known writers in wattpad. It kills me whenever they think that I was just in it for the fame. I kept on telling them that I wasn't actually the one who approached most of them and the friendship just happened. But they never believed it. In their eyes, I was a trash that they'd be happy to be without.

And I learned to cope up with them. I kept my sleeves to myself. I just talk and interact with the people who actually likes me and appreciates me.

Lately, I made a big mistake and if they are angry at me, it's their right to be. But I am happy to know that there are a lot of them who are actually just concern and in need of explanation which I can't post publicly. And then there's this someone.

I met her one time in December. She seems nice. She went into the event I organized, She was alone and was sitting at the corner. I never really knew her, but I was thankful she came. I forgot the thing she went there for and I explained. I never realized that she was already actually a bomb ready to explode. I went home happy but was devastated the next day because she ranted. She was understanding the time we talked personally and then it happened. I never blamed her for that because it is actually my fault. So I shipped it to her. She ranted again and I apologized again and again. I knew my wrong and I know when t apologize.

But she's still so angry at me at the moment. The anger came from the first incident that we met and it grew bigger until now. I didn't know what to do. I feel sorry that I made her that way. Everything that happened before came crashing down on me. Something's definitely wrong with me. Something's really not right with me. I have a lot of friends, yes. They liked me and understand me, yes. But having someone angry at you in this intensity is scary and hurting at the same time. I know how destructing anger is. I don't know how to deal with what she's feeling towards me because it's so deep that I can feel it in my bones.

It made me question myself. It made me feel responsible for making her like that. My existence made a person change like that. I never knew her personally but the way I saw her, she seems the type of lady who her friends are loving because she's cheerful and nice. But now, she's just always angry. This is an emotional moment for me. Someone wanted to file a case about me (I will sought legal counsel if ever this was pushed through) but I am more bothered by what happened to her. If she hadn't met me, she would still be the same.

The last months that I was just in the house made me feel like I did something right. The life of the people I care about still goes on. They don\'t really need me. And I mean it, it wasn't bitterness that I was feeling but this is what I feel. We can talk from time to time but I doubt I can be back to where I was or to who I was because of the things that happened.

I wasn't ashamed to admit my faults. The actual purpose of this blog is to chronicle my life and before, I never really intended to post something as deep and personal as this. But I realized, this blog has been with me almost the same time that my publishing journey started. This blog is special to me.

In two months, when all of this is over, a new chapter of my life will begin. And I wanted a life where I can easily be myself without the fear of feeling someone's intense anger over me. It makes me feel less of a human. I wanted to tell them that I was just like them, normal and ordinary. But I learned that explaining to someone so mad at you is futile. They'll twist it so you can actually look worst.

If all of this happened because something is wrong with me, I want to find it.
I just wanted this pain I was feeling to go away.

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